By Thomas Tuft

I recently attended the Family Law Institute put on by Minnesota Continuing Legal Education.  Noted psychologists Susan DeVries and Peggy Cottrell presented one of the most valuable seminars on how to tell the children about a divorce.  Children need to be told about divorce soon after the parents decide a divorce is going to happen, preferably before separation.  This avoids the risk of children hearing it from someone else or being uncertain about what is happening.

Ideally, the parents would tell the children together and the parents should be prepared to answer questions.  If a joint meeting is not possible, the parent telling the children should not make the other parent out to be a "bad guy (or gal)".

In cases of domestic abuse, it can be extremely difficult for the victim to have positive things to say about the other parent. However, it is important to remember that the child identifies with the other parent even though abusive.  If the child has witnessed the abuse, it can be even more difficult.

In addition to abuse, the approach to telling children can be affected by a number of factors--age, maturity, etc.  Whatever approach is taken, it is important for the children to know that the parents are falling out of love with one another, not with the children.  It is important to emphasize safety and stability and avoid behaviors that may alienate the children from the other parent.  It is important for the children to understand that it is not their fault, and they should not expect the parents to change their mind about divorcing.

A parent should keep the children out of the adult issues.  Airing the "dirty laundry" in the interests of "telling the truth" is a recipe for disaster.  The children do not need to know about an affair, financial problems, etc.  Rather a parent should try to de-escalate the children's anxiety. This can be done by reinforcing your love for your children, making appropriate books available to them, and considering therapy to help the parents and children through this process.  Additional information can be found at the Up to Parents website.

As a family law attorney, I remind my clients that what they tell the children and how they approach this issue can have a significant impact on how the judge will perceive them as a parent.

Thomas Tuft is the President and a founding partner of Tuft & Arnold, PLLC.  In addition to representing parties in divorce and other family law matters, he also serves as a mediator, social early neutral evaluator, and financial early neutral evaluator.